You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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