I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
