Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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