I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
