I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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