did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
