So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
