Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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