my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize