I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
