My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
