guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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