I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
