There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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