Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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