He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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