Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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