she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
