i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
