I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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