Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
