We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
