i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
