broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I am midnight drunk by noon
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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