i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
