This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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