i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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