I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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