I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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