I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
