I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
