I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
