The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
