as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
