Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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