Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
This is the high leading the old right now
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
