hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
