I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
