Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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