Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
She said her name was "party"
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
