I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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