Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It all started with a game of naked twister.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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