Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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