So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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