I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
