keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
