but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
COCAINE IS GR8
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
