Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
