I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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