a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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