I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
