I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize