I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
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