Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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