dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
