I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
