Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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