Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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